I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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