You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
