Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize