sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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