If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
