i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Randomize
