You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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