How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
