Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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