Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
