you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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