..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
