I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
