I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
