Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What a dumb baby whore.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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