...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
