some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
