I seem to have left my pride at pride
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
