When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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