also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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