my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
