So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
