Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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