I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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