you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
