2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
pop tarts are not kleenex
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
