Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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