Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
