My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
