oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
