Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
