remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
