How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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