I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize