You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
