when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize