well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
