I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Randomize
