Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
