Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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