I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
