his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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