Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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