1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
