I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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