Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
