i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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