just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
