I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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