I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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