my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
either way he was missing a nipple.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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