Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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