porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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