I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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