I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
