Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
