rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
