I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
