I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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