my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He did a backflip because drugs
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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