yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize