he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have aggressive nipples.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
