One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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