I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just pynch a tree in the face
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
