my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
