Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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